This post is created in the hope that you will learn from my hubris in thinking I could cook a Thanksgiving dinner. I facebooked my attempts as they were occuring.
Before we begin, some background about me and cooking is in order.
- I’ve been known to talk about the Faraway Mythical Land of Kitchen, and The Scary Forest of Supermarket.
- I’ve never cooked a turkey before. Or dressing. Or potatoes. Or gravy.
- I have four wine openers.
Now it’s time for you to sit back and relax, as I share with you the unvarnished truth as taken word-for-word from my Facebook page.
Jimmy is taking pliers to the turkey.
Friend: Wait, I thought you bought a pre-cooked bird???
Me: We did, but apparently they cooked it with that plastic thingie inside and it wouldn’t come out!
Friend: Back away from the Turkey….
Jimmy’s implements….and the turkey is not yet in the oven!
Friend: The vice grips add an extra sense of urgency to this. Do you need reinforcements?
Me: Well duh! If I had reinforcements, they’d be cooking this darn thing, not me!
Friend: At least we know the potatoes will be tender J.
Me: Potatoes? What potatoes? I’m supposed to have potatoes????
Friend: You said pliers – not vice grips – seriously you need cooking lessons.
Me in my head: “No, I need to be at a restaurant where I don’t have to deal with this.”
Why did no one tell me I had to TOUCH the darn turkey to get the stuffing stuffed in it?
Friend: I’ve never met someone who actually puts the stuffing IN the bird. Literally.
Friend: Google “stuffing botulism”.
Me: I’m not listening to you people. In my head I’m thinking, “OMG, I’m going to kill us both!”
Question: must you have an electric knife to cut the turkey? Or will a regular knife suffice?
You guys see why I didn’t want to do this mess?
Friend: A sharp knife is fine. Or a blunt one and functional teeth.
Friend: As long as it’s sharp, doesn’t matter.
Friend: I say turkey’s turkey.
HOW MUCH DO BASTERS COST???
Friend: Do you know how google works?
Friend: Are you looking for this to baste a turkey or impregnate a cow, because the prices differ greatly.
I brave a grocery store on Thanksgiving and they don’t have a single gosh-darn baster?
Friend: Use a ladle.
Friend: USE A DAMN SPOON
Me: It didn’t work!!!!Stupid spoon
Friend: Do you have a grill brush like for marinades?
Me: Seriously? You’re asking ME that question?!?!?!
Me: Jimmy texted. He was able to baste it with the spoon. Whatever. #NeverAgain
Friend: A spoon is incapable of not working. It is a spoon.
Me: WHATEVER! The spoon hates me.
Friend: Why are you torturing this poor turkey? It’s already cooked.
Me: Because the instructions said to do it!
Friend: I’m so confused. Why did you have to baste a turkey that was already cooked?.
Me: Because my mom told me to.
Friend: Oh. Well then, you baste.
I found a baster (last one), I have frosted sugar cookies, and I got more wine.
Think I’m good.
We don’t have any darn rolls!!
Friend: More wine with your whine!
Jimmy is now the baster.
The Goblet of The Yoda is full.
I’m thankful for my life.
The turkey is done!
Friend: Thank God.
Friend: Looks impressive! Thanks shutterstock
Me: Shutterstock my patootle!
Friend: Are you still alive?
Friend: Looks great. If it were up to me, I would have picked one up from the store. Or gone out!
OMG!! The gravy that came in the turkey box is lumpy and won’t cook!
Friend: Do you have a Whisk or a hand mixer?
Me: A which and/or hand mixer. That’s funny!
Friend: If you’ve got a blender…pop it in there for about 15 seconds. Tell me you at least got a blender for making drinks!
Friend: I’m eyeing you from the side so hard I can see out my ear now woman!
OMG…we did it and it is soooooooooooooooo DELICIOUS!!
Wait…I made pie!!! (well, I made it come home with me…)