Tricia and The Turkey

This post is created in the hope that you will learn from my hubris in thinking I could cook a Thanksgiving dinner. I facebooked my attempts as they were occuring.

Before we begin, some background about me and cooking is in order.

  1. I’ve been known to talk about the Faraway Mythical Land of Kitchen, and The Scary Forest of Supermarket.
  2. I’ve never cooked a turkey before. Or dressing. Or potatoes. Or gravy.
  3. I have four wine openers.

Now it’s time for you to sit back and relax, as I share with you the unvarnished truth as taken word-for-word from my Facebook page.

12:02 PM

Jimmy is taking pliers to the turkey.

Friend: Wait, I thought you bought a pre-cooked bird???

Me: We did, but apparently they cooked it with that plastic thingie inside and it wouldn’t come out!

Friend: Back away from the Turkey….

12:08 PM

Jimmy’s implements….and the turkey is not yet in the oven!


Jimmy’s Implements

Friend: The vice grips add an extra sense of urgency to this. Do you need reinforcements?

Me: Well duh! If I had reinforcements, they’d be cooking this darn thing, not me!

Friend: At least we know the potatoes will be tender J.

Me: Potatoes? What potatoes? I’m supposed to have potatoes????

Friend: You said pliers – not vice grips – seriously you need cooking lessons.

Me in my head: “No, I need to be at a restaurant where I don’t have to deal with this.”

12:19 PM

Why did no one tell me I had to TOUCH the darn turkey to get the stuffing stuffed in it? 


Stuffing Stuffed

Friend: I’ve never met someone who actually puts the stuffing IN the bird. Literally.

Friend: Google “stuffing botulism”.

Me: I’m not listening to you people. In my head I’m thinking, “OMG, I’m going to kill us both!”

12:25 PM

Question: must you have an electric knife to cut the turkey? Or will a regular knife suffice?
You guys see why I didn’t want to do this mess? 

Friend: A sharp knife is fine. Or a blunt one and functional teeth.

Friend: As long as it’s sharp, doesn’t matter.

Friend: I say turkey’s turkey.

12:25 PM


Friend: Do you know how google works?

Friend: Are you looking for this to baste a turkey or impregnate a cow, because the prices differ greatly.


1:17 PM

I brave a grocery store on Thanksgiving and they don’t have a single gosh-darn baster? 

Friend: Use a ladle.


Me: It didn’t work!!!!Stupid spoon

Friend: Do you have a grill brush like for marinades?

Me: Seriously? You’re asking ME that question?!?!?!

Me: Jimmy texted. He was able to baste it with the spoon. Whatever. #NeverAgain

Friend: A spoon is incapable of not working. It is a spoon.

Friend: #operatorerror

Me: WHATEVER! The spoon hates me.

Friend: Why are you torturing this poor turkey? It’s already cooked.

Me: Because the instructions said to do it!

Friend: I’m so confused. Why did you have to baste a turkey that was already cooked?.

Me: Because my mom told me to.

Friend: Oh. Well then, you baste.

Me: Exactly.

1:21 PM

I found a baster (last one), I have frosted sugar cookies, and I got more wine.
Think I’m good.
We don’t have any darn rolls!!

Friend: More wine with your whine!

2:05 PM

I’m home.
Jimmy is now the baster.
The Goblet of The Yoda is full.
I’m thankful for my life.


The Goblet Of The Yoda

3:03 PM

The turkey is done!


It’s Done!

Friend: Thank God.

Friend: Looks impressive! Thanks shutterstock 

Me: Shutterstock my patootle!

Friend: Are you still alive?

Friend: Looks great. If it were up to me, I would have picked one up from the store. Or gone out!

3:08 PM

OMG!! The gravy that came in the turkey box is lumpy and won’t cook!

Friend: Do you have a Whisk or a hand mixer?

Me: A which and/or hand mixer. That’s funny!

Friend: If you’ve got a blender…pop it in there for about 15 seconds. Tell me you at least got a blender for making drinks!

Me: Ummmm…..

Friend: I’m eyeing you from the side so hard I can see out my ear now woman!

3:21 PM

OMG…we did it and it is soooooooooooooooo DELICIOUS!!

3:39 PM

Wait…I made pie!!! (well, I made it come home with me…)


I Made Pie

About Tricia Ransom

Patricia Ransom: wife, daughter, friend. Learning, laughing, living. Chicago, Illinois, downstate. Townie, urbanite, traveller. Note: The opinions expressed on this blog belong solely to me and should not be assumed to reflect the opinions of any of my employers past, current, or future.
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